Dear John Waters,

Visiting the Senator Theatre

Welcome to the blog if you're new and welcome back if you've visited the site before! It's been a while but we are finally back - I wanted my next post to be special and so thought it best to dedicate it to Mr John Waters and thank him for an utterly glorious day spent in Baltimore. I have become an avid fan in my absence from this blog and since visiting the 'Pope of Trash' exhibition in Los Angeles last year, have absolutely fallen in love with his films. During a recent trip to New York my friend Ryan and I thought it best to honour our hero and spend a day in his hometown and soak up as much as we could from the glorious motherland!

We got up at 5:45-6:00 ish and sleepily dressed ourselves in our best outfits to prep for the busy day ahead. Me in my obviously fabulous chicken dress, Ryan in his recently purchased 'Mommy's Little Meatball' shirt and we headed out the door. There's not much chatting done between Ryan and I when we get ready to leave the house for the day as we begin to wake up, it's necessary to prevent us from stupidly bickering with one another; we're not morning people.

Once out the door, we grabbed the train from 72nd street where we both forgot it was rush hour. Naturally, the train was rammed but nothing we couldn't handle. The journey was cramped, but smooth sailing until we reached Times Square (42nd Street) where the doors broke - I've never known of that to be a thing that can happen or even rarely happens on the London Underground back home, but it now meant our plans of arriving early to grab breakfast fell apart due to our new time constraints. Hooray for that. During our rash moment of decision making we thought it best to walk the rest of the way to make sure we would get on the bus we needed. This now meant that what we had to eat was what was left in our bags for the next 3 and a half hours, me a half-eaten pack of sticky, crumpled Twizzlers and Ryan the remaining 3/4 of his now broken sour cream and chive pringles from our outings the day before.

Whilst rushing out the subway station and on our march to the coach, my dress attracted a significant amount of unwanted attention from leering men in turn adding another level of frustration for me to this already annoying situation and Ryan had no headphones to get through the journey for the next 3 hours. Our patience was beginning to thin, it wasn't even 7:30 am, yet I was determined to remain optimistic for the day ahead and all the fun we had planned. Stressed smiles all round people!

After the Times Square craziness, we got on the bus and like our subway train, it was packed. When making our booking for the coach, we had paid an extra $20 to reserve our specific seats but felt awful when seeing these 2 elderly ladies sat in our reserved seats. I let Ryan deal with that situation because I was still half asleep and knew he could manage it better than me - we reserved them in a spot away from the toilet just to be safe on a busy packed coach! He kicked these poor elderly ladies out our seats as they continued to stare blankly at their son who could help them translate what we were saying. Once the ladies had switched seats, the journey was fine and easy, although we were now convinced the whole bus hated us for moving these ladies. We made sure there were vacant seats they could move to beforehand! I listened to my downloaded podcast episodes, dozing in and out of consciousness, and Ryan slept huddled against the window like a little baby during the journey.

The 3 Twizzlers I ate for breakfast whilst Ryan slept were not satiating my hunger until to my surprise we stopped off at a service station at 10:45 in Delaware and grabbed coffee from Dunkin' Donuts. We anticipated a non-stop journey to Baltimore and so this felt like a nice little treat. It was so busy and it did take quite a while - we now had 6 minutes before we needed to be back on the bus. We kept saying to each other "can you imagine the passengers on the bus see us kick two old ladies out our seat and THEN hold everyone up because our Dunkin' was late?!" It was very much needed though and for the next 15 minutes as we drove away from the service station, Ryan and I munched away like this was our first ever meal.

The rest of the journey was very placid and peaceful. The bus then popped us out at a very random spot, we wandered in the direction of the city before realising we were in Greektown and from our current spot, it would take us an hour to walk. An uber seemed like our best bet to race immediately to Atomic Books as that was our first location on our list. The journey was pleasant, our driver (although I forgot to catch his name) was lovely and the whole drive he played piano soundtracks of famous films. It felt fitting for our journey although we were a bit disappointed there were no John Waters films covered.

Once we arrived, we discerned it wasn't open until 12:00pm so we had 20 minutes to kill - that being said we did get to sing 'Good Morning Baltimore' before midday struck. I know it's a song from the 2007 version of 'Hairspray' but we were excited to be there and were soaking up the sunshine and happy vibes. It was sweltering hot here in comparison to New York and we had to apply some sunscreen to prepare for the day. After discovering the opening time, we found a lovely bohemian shop selling lots of trinkets tapestries, clothes, incense and gorgeous other pieces. We went upstairs which was up the steepest staircase I'd ever seen - it bounced with each step we took and at this point we could no longer hear the music from the shop so that felt a bit odd and strange. To me it felt like we had been tricked into walking into a place as far from any other customers in the shop and whilst the girl working in the shop was lovely, the further we went, the less it looked like a place customers were supposed to visit. It had the same stuff just in plastic boxes so it appeared more like storage room. I said to Ryan we should go back downstairs and we both rushed down attempting not to trip over our own feet as we descended the death trap of a staircase.

Little picture I snapped of the shop

I found some gifts for my mum and a cute little bracelet whilst Ryan was looking at toe rings. I hate feet so I personally don't approve, but he did find a cute one with a star - as long as I don't have to see it on his feet I'm happy. I think feet are vile and no amount of jewellery placed on it will change my mind. You can't polish a turd now can you? To my surprise after leaving the shop, Ryan turned to me and told me he stole it. The woman at the counter didn't notice it hiding under his book even though he had discussed with her the price. She appeared to remain unfazed and he was able to slip it under his book. Shocked, I noted karma would hit him back but we safely reminded ourselves that 'fucking up the world' a bit would be what King Waters would want. And we were sorry too - when we're next in Baltimore we'll pay for it, although Ryan has since informed me that it has gone missing and by some strange prophetic justice, it is perhaps the universe's way of reminding him he should not have stolen it.

The bookstore was amazing. Pure heaven and I never wanted to leave. There were vast amounts of John Waters posters and his Christmas cards were hung proudly on the wall. I was left aghast at the sheer volume of little John Water Easter eggs when Ryan spotted the 'signed by John Waters' section. It had signed criterion collections of some of his films and whilst at the time I was desperate to see 'Female Trouble,' (I have now seen it and I adore every minute of it) I had been reading about 'Polyester' in 'Mr Know-it-all' and the odorama cards released for the film, so we went for those. We spent about 10 minutes scouring all the DVDs to find the ones with the best signatures and were told he signed the posters inside too. Thank you King. What we came for was 'Liarmouth' as that is the new film we heard was in the works and is his most recent book. I was so desperate to read it and luckily the pair of us nabbed the last two signed copies. Another incredible item.

In the time since our trip and writing this, I have completed the book and it is effortlessly hilarious. It is everything you can hope for with a Waters book and I cherish it so much. Martha Sprinkles is one of the most incredible characters I have ever read in a book and in true Waters fashion, he has me rooting for the person causing the most glorious chaos.

John's Christmas Cards ft. Baby Bill

I did want to get 'Role Models' signed and ‘Crackpot’ but ‘Crackpot’ had a cover I was not the biggest fan of (sorry John), I already bought 'Role Models' yesterday in The Strand bookstore and I really only wanted 'Liarmouth.' The visit to the store required me to exercise some restraint so I had to look for a few reasons not to swipe everything off the shelves. We snagged some postcards too and I took a picture of the 'Pecker' poster in the cafe bar out back.

All my goodies - see below for comments on the candle.

Our next stop was going to be the Baltimore Art Museum (for the giant Divine statue), but we only just noticed online in that moment that it was closed on Mondays. Devastating. Our lack of planning became a bit of a running theme for our trip but we also like living spontaneously so we reminded ourselves of the other visits planned on our little Waters tour. Then we ordered our next Uber to the place I was most excited to visit and hopped into the record store next door named Celebrated Summer Records as we waited. The guy in there was completely unfazed by us entering and we spotted a signed copy of the 'Hairspray' soundtrack; there was also a really cool listening booth out back too.

Listening booth!

Signed 'Hairspray' Record

Our next Uber driver was so lovely. Ryan often shuts down into a nonverbal state in Ubers and taxis - not really wanting to have a chat when on the move but I don't mind it, with my social anxiety it can often be the best place for me to rant away to a stranger. Ray was our driver - a huge, tall, broad gentleman who at first glance would give the impression of being a stern guarded gentleman, had the most lovely warm aura of anyone we had met on our trip, and said he was born and raised in Baltimore. His justification: "well I know all the parts you DON'T want to go into, so why would I move to another city where I don't know what those parts are?" An immaculate response.

He told us a bit about some of the buildings, was not happy that the University (Loyola University Maryland) keeps "expanding out into the woods" and I blabbed about how much I love John Waters. He recommended we try the market next to the Senator Theatre where he was about to drop us. After visiting we noted that it was called Belvedere Square. We got to the Theatre but had to cross so went to the crossing and waited about 4 minutes, slowly growing agitated that none of the lights were switching. Finally we realised the button was far behind us, a woman approached, pressed it and it instantly stopped all incoming traffic. Another example of 'how away with the fairies' Ryan and I tend to be when we're chatting to ourselves.

The Senator Theatre as seen here in Cecil B. Demented - 2000, StudioCanal

We got to the Theatre famous for hosting the premieres of Waters films 'Hairspray,' 'Cry-Baby,' 'Pecker,' 'Serial Mom' and 'Cecil B. Demented.' The theatre was a filming location for 'Cecil B. Demented' which sits as one of my top 4 favourite films. Naturally the first thing I did was hunt through all the plaques on the floor for Water's films upon arrival. I found 'Crybaby,' 'Hairspray,' then 'Serial Mom,' oh there's 'Pecker' but I couldn't see 'Cecil B. Demented.' To my horror, the plaque was underneath some outdoor seating of the restaurant next door and the paint had faded a bit too which I felt was cruel to do that to that incredible film. However, it did add a rustic, gritty effect to the plaque which was fitting for the film.

'Hairspray' Plaque

Took some disposable camera photos on our day out too!

Shot from 'Cecil B. Demented' - 2000, StudioCanal

We went into the Theatre which was stunning and so gorgeous, asked to use the restroom and I took a seat before I spotted a baby cockroach on the floor in front of me in the cubicle. It made me smile and think of 'Hairspray.' Whilst walking out I took some more pictures (I felt guilty taking so many but after looking forward to this for weeks, I had to) Ryan got stopped by a young teen asking to take a picture of his 'Mommy's Little Meatball' shirt (her friends nickname is Meatball) and I got a compliment on my chicken dress. Both pretty iconic to be fair. We checked the list to see what was next to do but realised the Visionary Arts Museum was closed, the Papermoon Diner, closed until 5:00 and Colette permanently closed. All of the above restaurant recommendations from our icon himself we discovered from this article and this one too. Since visiting, The Times has published another article detailing Water's favourite spots in Baltimore and I am gutted we missed them - more to do on the next visit! Club Charles is high up on my priority list.

The stunning interior

The restaurant Faidley's Seafood was open!! We hopped in another Uber and went to Lexington Market. It was a bit mad and bonkers but reminded me of Nags Head Market in my local area but bigger, but also like a smaller Camden Market too. We bumped into our first Uber driver as well who looked so chuffed to see us. We decided we wanted somewhere we could sit down as there were limited spots available in the Market so after some contemplation walked down to the harbour (exactly where we were told not to go by Ray - Ray if you ever stumble upon this, we are profusely sorry. You were right).

We grabbed food from Phillips, which felt like 'tourist trap central' - had what could only be described as the craziest atomic neon blue alcoholic drink, 2 Pepsis, a lobster roll and a crab cake. My lobster roll was okay, there was so much bread I struggled to get to the lobster and it had a few scrawny pieces of lettuce. It was a bit boring. Ryan finished my chips for me like the lovely husband he is and the pair of us giggled over our antics of the day.

After we recovered from a mild food coma and sugar crash, we headed to the Baltimore Tattoo Museum and after much deliberation I went for the tattoo I had originally planned on getting which is miss Melanie Griffith's iconic line from my favourite Waters film 'Cecil B Demented.' I did change my mind for a period and want John's initials tattooed onto me but felt that may be a tad too far and I'm glad I stuck with my original idea. Ryan got the same too so we went for matching tats!!

"MAKE GOOD MOVIES OR DIE!!"

My tattoo

We made it to the tattoo parlour and it honestly took me about 15 minutes to stop sweating from the crazy heat and fast walking pace we had outside. It was 90°F the day we were in Baltimore (Ray told us it was actually higher as the weather is reported from the temperature at the airport, not the city itself. Thank you again Ray for more Baltimore-local secrets). The men in the parlour were nice and friendly although initially very intimidating. They offered some other recommendations to see Waters favourite spots which was so nice of them to do. All of them agreed 'Serial Mom' was their favourite Waters film, naturally that says a lot about the fact they work in a tattoo parlour and inflict pain on others on a daily basis. The tattoo was the most painful one I have ever received and Ryan said his hurt too; it did not help that I still felt extremely overheated and was beginning to feel exhausted at this point.

The Baltimore Tattoo Museum

After bidding adieu to the lovely tattoo gentlemen, we decided to record our podcast episode dedicated to John (we spent the whole day planning when to do it but loved the spontaneity of doing it on the street in the end). I bought tiny mics specifically for it but they were rubbish and didn't work; my own fault for buying the cheapest ones on Amazon a month before and for not testing to see if they were useful. Phone in hand it is. We did almost get hit by a car - not sure if that will be kept in the episode (I guess you have to listen to find out).

We walked down to The Sound Garden and walked directly past it - typical move from us. Instead we pressed pause on the podcast and headed into a boutique shop I believe is called Ten Thousand Villages from my research after, where I received another compliment from a lovely older lady. One of my favourite things about the day was all the lovely people we met. We left and realised how stupid we had been for walking straight past The Sound Garden. They had glorious Muppet mystery keychains in The Sound Garden! Being a die-hard Muppet fan, I didn't want the keychains, but had to purchase them. In the end, Ryan and I swapped because I got Swedish chef and he got Fozzie Bear (one of my favourites). In store, we also found lovely stickers and images of random celebs visiting the store and our mooch around the store led us to religious style candles of Waters and Divine. We obviously bought them and you can see mine in the picture of my goodies above. There is now a spot in my room filled with all the merch I found for Mr Waters, books, DVD's, the framed picture we use for our podcast and now a religious candle making it look like some sort of 'Pope of Trash' shrine. I'm proud of it.

Sound Garden

I spotted 'Cecil B. Demented' in the shop

We bought some drinks from the cutest little intimate 7-Eleven across the street and picked up where we left off with the podcast - aimlessly walking until we reached the edge of Baltimore and found a bench in a mini residential harbour area. From my recent research it seems to be at the entrance of the housing complex 'The Crescent" at Fells Point - for those who are familiar with Baltimore or may be interested in a lovely viewpoint upon their own visit. However, if it comes to light that we were in fact trespassing by sitting there, we didn't send you - someone else did. It must also be mentioned, that this was the fanciest place in Baltimore we had seen so far on this trip, it was filled with colourful houses and immaculate sidewalks. A bit different from where we had spent previously this day - it felt almost fairytale-like. It was apparent this was perhaps not a key location for Waters, I can't imagine him heading to any gritty biker bars around this part of town. We recorded the podcast some more and noticed it became more of a light ramble in the end but was still good fun, please do check it out when it is released - I'll leave a link here for it when it drops too.

Another disposable picture - I love how the picture came out.

After we mooched a bit more, we found a bookstore with some questionable book titles such as 'hot milk' and 'open mouth,' to which they both had tags saying 'Why we love open mouth' and 'why we love hot milk.' Immature, but it made Ryan and I giggle. We wandered up the road into a very different area, still always looking out for our King. I'm just interested in seeing what he wears 'off duty' too. I bet it is still fabulous.

No such luck so we ordered our next Uber to the bus station. Another thing we wished we were able to go to was Divine's grave yet we had just run out of time. With us procrastinating about the podcast and rushing to get our tattoos, we just couldn't make the journey to the outskirts of Baltimore and it wouldn't give us the correct amount of time to pay our respects. I'm adding it to the list of things to do the next time I visit. I will be back!!

It was at this point in the day where we were exhausted and had reached another nonverbal stage, both staring out the window and reflecting on this fun day. That was until Ryan noticed something attached to my shoe and we realised it was a dirty screw I got stuck in my DM's. In our overheated state of exhaustion, we found it hilarious and spiralled into a hysterical laughing fit. I still have it and it has become my token Baltimore screw.

At the station we were parched and wanted some water - the fountains were broken so vending machine apple juice it was. The queue system was the strangest I've ever seen in this bus station and everything was organised by a man with a very loud voice. I can safely say I have never had a bus station experience like it but it was brilliant having him lead us to our relevant bus queues. We hopped onto the bus and once back in NYC, grabbed the fattest slice of pizza we could find at 12:30am. When I tell you we spent a day in Baltimore, we really utilised the whole day.

Thank you John,

Thank you for being so incredible,

iconic and amazing.

But thank you for allowing us to have one of the most iconic days in a city that means so much to you. I fell in love with the city and it reminded me a lot of places back here home. If you ever need someone to move across the world to work for you, I'm here waiting, can book a flight over there in an instant and it would be an honour and dream! I know you don't own the city, but to us you are the King of Baltimore and I am aware we are not the first to say that. Please take the compliment from one demented to another.

We love you xx

Waters directing Melanie Griffith in Cecil B. Demented. Source: Unknown